March. 2007 “THE SOAPBOX” by Ryan Keys-Mathews

Woman’s World Magazine

1#
Rye guy,

I’ve just started dating again after ending a 5-year relationship 3 months ago. I only date nice, professional executives (college grads), and haven’t crossed the point of no return with any of them even though some have tried. I have been told that, "We're both adults and the rules have changed and it's okay to have sex on the first date because sex is a natural thing for consenting adults." When I tell them I'm an old-fashioned girl, they tell me that "Mom's teaching is outdated and that they don't think badly of women who go ahead an "do it." I'm confused--is this BS or what? The gorgeous man with whom I would really like to have a long-termed relationship and who is perfect in every way for me (he is also the person who said this) and I almost gave in, but finally said no. Now he doesn't call even though he says that he is very serious about finding a wife. Do men try women out like cars before they make a down payment? In your opinion, do men really take a casual attitude like this or are they just testing my integrity to see if I'm wife material?

Battling BS

Dear BS,

This is an interesting question. As a man I admit sex is wonderful, and yes we do think about it a lot. The level of success, or upbringing of a man really has nothing to do with his sex drives. Think of it as conditioning, and his perception of a woman’s role. I’m guessing you are fairly settled in your life, and comfortable with yourself. It is a known fact that all men want sex, a lot of sex, with little effort, and as soon as possible. If you put a steak in a lion’s mouth will it not chew?

Honestly, it’s been this way for centuries. The uprising of strong confident women who are on the same playing field has made it more of a sport now days. Suggestions that may help you: 1. Be upfront from the get go. 2.To seek out a more passive man. You mentioned your obsession with upscale professionals, but many of them are looking for ownership not partnership. The main drives in this world are power, money, and sex… So you need to use your power of selection to find a nice guy. Then try to wait until the third date before you consummate. Frankly if a white-collar man invests 2 weeks or more, at least he is in the buying stage. Also, 5 years minus 3 months equals rebound blues so realize even if you find Mr. Right you may not be ready. Try to find yourself first, and then everything will slip into place so to speak.

Busting the bull,

Ryan

2#
Ryan,

My last real relationship was 5 years ago. Since then I have always carried a torch for this one that I foolishly let get away five years ago. Would it be insane to hire a P.I. to find out if he is single and to see if it would be possible for us to start dating again? I really want to find out if he is to be the one for me. I am confused about why I am suddenly feeling so strong for him and why I desperately want to find him.

Desperate Detective

Dear DD,

Wow, I wish I could say this was “When Harry Met Sally”, but I think you may have rented “Fatal Attraction”. I am not trying to be hurtful. As a man if you did this I would run as fast, and as far as possible. If he was or is the one it will come to you without a payment plan, and manila envelope. You are obviously stuck in a rut, and need some new excitement! Dating is tough for all of us, and many times we all think about old flames. Just remember the fire has been out for 5 years, so you only remember the good times, not the bad. There was a reason you walked away then, and it will most likely repeat itself. So save yourself the heartbreak, and restraining order cause if a man wanted to be with you he would find you. You are craving something to fill a need, so figure out what that is first. Then embrace your female power, and find something new. Once again, I apologize if this seems harsh, but sometimes we don’t want to know what’s best for us.

Chin up,

Ryan

3#
Okay Ryan,

I have one for you... I've been a good friend with this friend of mine... (We’ve known each other for like 3 months)... he's been there for me during one really bad time where I was really drunk and suicidal and he came and picked me up before I blacked out.... he sobered me up with coffee and we talked...

Later I was being forward and asked him why he came and got me, and he said he liked me...and kept telling himself not to do anything rash... I egged him on... but he made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship or any emotional attachments... I agreed ... it’s been fine this way...but its odd b/c we get together to watch movies, hang out and such as friends without physical contact and other times with.... So how am I not supposed to get emotionally attached? He'll cook for me...take me out...etc. like relationship and yet were acting like there’s nothing there and I am beginning to wonder if he's feeling the same way or if its just my imagination...

Do I risk asking him how he feels and having him say 'Hey I told you from the beginning we couldn’t get attached..." or do I just leave it be and see where it goes?

Thanks,

Woman Scorned

Dear WS,

This could be due to a few different things, and either way you both sound a bit confused with your own identity. So he saved you, you fall for him, he falls for you, and you both pretend your just friends. Reality can be stranger than fiction. Okay problem one if you want to increase his desire for you back off some, and be less available. If he is attracted to you in a committed way it will shake him out of this fear.

The other possibility is that he did save you, because that’s what he does. Perhaps, he feels that he doesn’t deserve the relationship from his own past. You could try deeper communication to figure out his agendas.

Now as for you seeing where it goes. Obviously that will not satisfy your current needs, so all you can do is back away, and hope he stays. If you put him in a corner, and ask where you stand it could backfire in your hand. Two routes to one end, you must decide if risk equals reward. Even if you loose, at least you will satisfy your insecurities.

As Yoda said, “There is no try, only do.” So now it’s up to you.

Ryan

4#
Ryan help,

 Why is it so hard for a man to accept his stepchildren? I am not saying love them (because I know there is no bond there), but just accept them for who they are. Is it a jealousy thing?

I have friends who are going thru this also. I am starting to think blended marriages are something to avoid.

Fickle Pickle

Miss Fickle,

I can appreciate a woman raising kids with a split family. When a man dates a woman with children he has to know that it’s a package deal. Let’s look at the obvious roadblocks. 1. Your kids have a hard time accepting him. 2. Your ex could still be casting a shadow over the entire relationship, so he resents it. 3. He is a controlling, insecure jerk. A man that can’t handle a single mother should never open her cookie jar. We all saw the Brady’s deal with blended issues daily, and it can be done. One sure way to crush the ice in a blended family is to address these issues right away. Patience is required in any aspect of dating; we all know nothing is 100% perfect. Your family has to come first because that is your responsibility, so make that clear when you date. So when you go on a date, ask yourself could this be a mate. Then if you get a big no, move on.

Ryan